7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”