7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
You Might Also Like
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King