7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
You Might Also Like
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does