7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.


Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.


Judge: on what grounds?
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.


Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL


My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die


Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.


Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”


Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.