7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Something Saturday.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.