7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
You Might Also Like
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy