7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!