It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE