@ristolable It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
@dadmann_walking 7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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@ristolable 
@QwertyJones3 Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
@KimmyMonte Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
@Royal_Stein Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
@WineMummy When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
@NickBossRoss Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
@ozzyunc When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
@TheAlexNevil It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
@clindsaysway When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
@bewgtweets Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE