@dadmann_walking

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

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@ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@QwertyJones3

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@KimmyMonte

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

@Royal_Stein

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

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@NickBossRoss

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

@ozzyunc

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

@TheAlexNevil

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@bewgtweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE