7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
You Might Also Like
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.