7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Seek kebab; not attention
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*