7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
You Might Also Like
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Spring of Deception
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”