[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
dutch so unserious
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining