7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?