7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.