7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect