7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞