7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”