7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.