7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.