7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.