7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet