7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.