7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Storm Tropical Storm
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.