7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what