7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
forgive me baja for i have blast
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*