7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*seductively corrects your posture*
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
😂😂
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*