Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war