@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

You Might Also Like

@aissalanis

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

@CrisMtzgr

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

@PnkRckrSheena

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@VikeeysSecret

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

@Antinomy001

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

@HisDulcinea

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

@Naked_Superman

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

@InternetHippo

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war