7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.