7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that