7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Xylophonist Shredding It
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
just got my engagement photos
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you