Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
That’s how a good marriage works people.