@Cheeseboy22

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

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@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@PrincesaBallena

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@imdaintyaf

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

@MrsGoose69

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

@murrman5

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

@Breadery

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.