7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

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Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell


[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP


Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.


Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?


Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests


Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.


If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends


Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.


Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight

That’s how a good marriage works people.