7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I hope they boil the right one.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?