7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”