70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.