70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER