700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
You had me at “define legal”.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.