[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.