7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS