7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
You Might Also Like
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*puts cutlery down*
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.