7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
When someone trying to leave me
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat