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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.