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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all