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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]