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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up