You Might Also Like
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.