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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
But that’s none of my business
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano