You Might Also Like
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*