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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Ugh
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”