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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
are they though??
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?