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Halloween cuteness.. 馃巸
馃帴 IG: mr.smokey21
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
You are what you eat? I鈥檓 about to become sandals
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That鈥檚 the point, dummy.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there鈥檚 a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it鈥檚 improbable
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Hot hot hot 馃サ
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Ocean鈥檚 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.