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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Merry Christmas
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Stop being racist to kettles.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.