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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
🤣
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.