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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*Seductively hides in the woods
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that