72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When news reporters do sports stories
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos